Coral

Do you get a whiff of the floral,woody mist that I had earlier sprayed,sparingly, at the base of my neck, a little over my collarbone, while the day now settles in, sun scraping the earth, wind whisking through my hair? Do you care to smell the difference from two days ago? My heart hadn’t drawn into its shell back then, it didn’t want to be sobered up, but  you’ve failed to notice it, my love, this ocean that has been building up inside me.  Do you not see how I wear no other element to make myself appealing to your eyes, I’ve skipped the kohl that has drawn conversations to a halt , no taint of red on my lips,  no silvery bangles to adorn these wrists you would go on to hold, these wrists you would pin against the wall. I have come to you as me, no veils, no charades. 
But tell me, don’t you smell the flowers,have they always been a part of me ? Won’t you question?  Won’t you close your eyes, if only for a moment, and won’t you try to drift to the places this takes you? Won’t you swim in this tide of emotions, won’t you give in to the past? Don’t you owe something to it ?

They are all bottled up in my drawers at home, different concoctions, a little something here, another there.  I wore them on my skin, some,  years ago. And all those evenings,you were near, a little too near for comfort.  Don’t you want to remember? There were so many summers, summers where the sun would refuse to leave,  yet it never scorched our skin, it just lingered on, with the steady air that blew, never too hot, just warm enough. Warm enough to want to dig into ice cubes as we drank, to seek the cool frost that ice leaves on glasses that have just been emptied. 
The stars burned a fiery bright, and I wondered standing transfixed to a spot,  if it was the clearest sky I we had ever been under.  As i asked you to look, i saw you were staring, and not at the sky.
That was just another day, until the next one.
I never got bored,did you? I could trace the exact path you took to reach me, I could live through each second of those summers, again.
Nothing was not clear then. Not even with the fog that followed us when the seasons changed, when it became difficult to figure out who was sitting 10 feet away, but then who really wanted to know.  The golden lights that warmed the eyes, hung over low, over our heads. Walking was easier, with faces red from the cold, shivers of cold and gusts of wind going through the layers of clothing but those clothes smelt the same.


Don't you see it yet?

The first of a long series. I can't sleep.

When did it come to this? The shallow breaths, the hollowness, hatred spilling over, nothing but sad disjointed parts of everything that makes you alive. Scared of the darkness, uneasiness, new strangers. For there indeed is something like accustomed-to strangers.

If people were to judge my English, this would be a good time to sit back on your sofa and laugh so hard that the neighbor's dog wakes up. Dogs can catch sounds better than us. Ofcourse you knew that. Unless you're dumber than me. Which you are. Hey, brain! Stop! This isn't supposed to push you over the edge into the world where you sit high on the throne, throne hanging by the edge over some cliff, one push and you lose two things, your bones and it.

No let's get back to the moping business. It attracts more of its kind, we have relentless guilt, suffering over regrets, and more. Don't ask me to type all that out too. 

Do you talk in your sleep? How would you know if you're alone in bed, in the house ? Who would watch you while you sleep? Who would watch over you as you fight tiring battles in your dreams? Who would give you a nudge and say shut the fuck up and let me sleep? 
Tiny beings, we all are. The one writing this out, included. Yay, the haters are happy. Somebody is. 

How do you know it doesn't get darker now? What if the lights were never meant to be switched on the next day? What if you were meant to stay here, as long as it might be before the darkness took you away to another place? 
Sinking in, isn't it? Sinking in, aren't you? Tired and helpless and cold. So cold.

Somebody cover you up with a blanket,i wish. Somebody and something other than this strangeness.

Because i choked up seeing Father's Day cards today. Marketing gimmicks -_-

Being born in a family where each day you just about manage to get by on the little that you have, isn't what most of us can imagine. I can't either.
But then 'you' chose to rise above those walls. And you still make me proud,after all these years. Strange thing, isn't it? Children being proud of their parents.

-----

When i try to calm down my thoughts(ever running in circles, in my head) and draw out that one day ,more than 22 years ago when i was born into this crazy world, i can somehow just begin to understand how your world would have changed right before your eyes.
I can,but in my own way, feel how the earth must have moved under your feet. And to make it worse, all these years have gone by and i still don't let the ground be stable for once,do i,papa?


22 years of my mayhem, of me throwing up countless tantrums and 22*365 days(Yes, i did not count the leap years papa.Chill. I still know math) when you've dealt with it all, flinching not even once.

You know that one figure you have in your life, who means everything to you, who you'd do anything for,without blinking an eye? But to express my affection for you in this manner would make it closed,restricted,if not something very unreasonable(and lack of reason is something both of us hate).
I've grown up,shaped by your liberal mindset, i say, find me a person so culturally accommodating, so scientific in his thoughts, witty and sarcastic and funny, and all this wrapped up inside the purest of hearts. Find me such a person, no, you can't.

Nobody i know can match up to your wisdom, your experience and just the fact that you know everything about everything(for you're my personal Wikipedia) and there's no other person who knows every fold in my brain and just about 'how' each tug at my heart makes me behave, nobody can spell out my actions before they unravel, and nobody can make me laugh so hard when i'm contemplating dying the next day. Nobody calls a spade a spade, to my face(and even if they do, they don't manage to get away with it). Nobody has it in their hearts to see the good in me when i act like a monster. And nobody pushes me so hard to unwrap my box of capabilities. Nobody but you,dad. 

----

I don't know if i should feel guilty for running to you rather than mom, for every little thing when i was a child. They tell me of my first birthday and how you traveled 300 kms to be there on time and from the moment you entered, till the end of the night, i stayed right beside you,elated that you were finally home. Or how when you'd leave for office every day,i'd go stand by the door, repeating those words,"Papa, aa jao, darwaaza khula hai", even when you would be gone out of the city for months.

So what if we've swapped locations now. I still miss you like the little kid who refused to leave the door until you came in, walking through. Even though over all these years, i've spelled one disaster after another,  i still like to believe that i've become wiser, only because of you.

I hope i make better decisions, but i know even if i end up making some really bad ones, you'll let me exert my own free will and still walk beside me.
And i do wish i learn more and more from you, but then, i'm glad i'm already you in the making. 

If only i could be so raw, and act out on emotions and on what my heart wanted  me to do, if only i could be an untamed,free bird, carving out my own path, brain and wishes, working in tandem,
if only i could be half the person that you are.

There's no smoke without fire

You were all for burning me down and consumed by you, the conundrum that you were,  I handed you the match.
 Come, watch, as i simmer under your gaze. 
For us humans,pieces of broken souls, this is a welcome change, i pray those icy words that ever so slightly escape my tongue have been lost in the blaze.
You nod in approval, i let slip a smile. A wave of hesitance washes over me. As the gleam in your eyes tells me that you refuse to mend your all forgiving ways, i know you've spoilt me, you've wrecked for me every single day that i'm going to live, as long as i live; oh you've ruined me for life.

The blood that flows in my veins screams selfish, and i know i could give you a worse deal, as i swing between a hundred different emotions with every passing tick of the clock. It's bad enough, this arrangement you've struck for yourself, settling for a mash of disturbed,unruly, shaky mess that I am.
So true to the same red blood i ask you to linger on some more, of course, only if you don't wish otherwise.( No, make that a lot more. )

Keep making me break into those giggles i last knew when i was an awkward 12 yr old.
Keep watching through the rear view mirror as I cross the road and then keep making your car go full reverse so that the fat ass me doesn't have to walk. Yeah, maybe not that. Please don't allow me to get fat.
Most importantly, keep letting me have the last bite of every chocolate cake that we eat. You know how hard i try to save the first piece for you. (Cake has nothing to do with getting fat,by the way)


And, keep being you.
For if it were upon us to settle who exuded unfailing love; baby , I , for once, would graciously accept defeat. 

Anomaly

The bittersweet waiting, a touch of honey and caramel , as you entered through the door,minutes early. 

Followed by a sweet concoction of words. Blue jeans, and your white shirt. 

Never had i fathomed that i'd be brought to my knees by the threads of fabric that covered up your skin. Trivial it had been. Not today, today was an anomaly. But weren't you exactly the same, an anomaly,  an exception? And mine.

Surrounded by people, infringing on the soft bubble around us and you did what you always did. Declare to the world that you had eyes only for me. My cheeks flushed and my lips quivered into a soft shy smile, you said you missed that glow. Not even a week since yours arms had held me close bidding me goodbye at the airport and here you were. Like time had ceased to exist, the part of me that i had locked safely in your heartbeat, in your slow,deep breaths, in your eyes which would water unexpectedly, it was mine for the taking. Again. Your gaze went deeper. Delved into my heart, breaking through my doubts, then my mind. We both smiled when we almost heard the click.

Outside, we walked. My sun was beside me, and god was it dazzling me. 

As you talked, I thought of home. Of how close I was to it, how I had marked my home for life. This would be my place, where my thoughts would unravel, where my mind would be undone and where my laughter would mean as much as my tears.

We talked a lot more, me mumbling to myself, my words hardly discernible, but you kept nodding with a smile. Had it not been so for years? Then we ate together, ditching the fancy restaurants, just choosing to sit together , with the car parked on the side of the road. You, sipping the drinks, always a little impatient with the summers. I wished we had a couple of beers too. Subconsciously, I chose to eat your part of the food, thinking how I never shared this with anyone apart from you in my life. An oddity, weren't you?

Soon, even before the sun decided to set into the sky and call it a day, it was time for me to go. But no, i did not feel weighed down this time, not weakened by what goodbyes were.

Until the next time.
Know that my being refuses to stop falling for you.